Meet yourself.

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“Travel far enough, you meet yourself.” David Mitchell.

 

Could you be my wings tonight?.


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“That’s the thing about pain…it demands to be felt.”  

John Green.

It’s 8.18 pm.

The house is empty, everybody is gone.

Im alone.

I keep looking at the door

like im waiting for someone to show up.

Being alone with myself

in the silence of my own sadness,

is something that sometimes

beat me very hard.

I need to stay strong.

But right now the only thing

crossing my mind is

get out of the house,

and start walking

to that place that i feel

sometimes is waiting for me.

I pray.

I pray.

But i dont know how

to stop the pain,

the tears.

I need to stay strong.

Fear is right here.

Im trying to sing a song in my mind.

But i got lost again,

looking at the door.

Maybe somebody will show up.

Or call.

I remember the Psalm that says:

” “Who will give me wings,

” I ask— “wings like a dove?”

Get me out of here on dove wings;

I want some peace and quiet.

I want a walk in the country,

I want a cabin in the woods.

I’m desperate for a change

from rage and stormy weather.”

I know someday the sun

will be mine.

I dont want to give up.

But dear God,

could you be my wings tonight…?

And wait.

“There’s things that happen in a person’s life

that are so scorched in the memory

and burned into the heart that there’s no forgetting them.”

John Boyne.

2.43 am.

Today (yesterday) was a very rainy day.

Gray and rainy.

All day.

Even i couldn’t move too much out of my bed,

i made my way to do some things.

I hate driving when is raining.

Good thing Valium is doing his work.

Effexor withdrawal effects are less now.

But they were really bad in the past weeks.

Now lets Prozac start doing his thing.

And wait.

As always.

Wait.

Im doing my best.

Even if my best looks nothing to you.

I miss life.

I miss joy.

Sometimes i need a hug so badly.

And i want to cry and cry until

there is no more tears left.

There is no time without shadows.

There is no hours without fighting.

I wish i could forget.

Erase my memory, my soul.

Sometimes in my dreams

i feel that somebody is sitting in my bed.

I really feel the weight besides me.

And i try to move my hand

and touch it.

I know is God.

And i try to ask him

to hold my hand please.

I just want somebody to hold my hand.

But i get lost again in the darknes of my mind.

That’s all for now.

The night is long and i must go.

Keep going.

And wait.